25 Ways to Battle Cancer

1 Have a bath

2 Put some essential oils in the bath

3 And some bubbles – go on, this is a luxury bath

4 You should probably light some candles as well

5 Get out of the bath before it gets cold

6 Dry yourself with a soft fluffy towel

7 Get dressed in your finest finery

8 Ready? Time for a walk then. Just a short one, to the local park. Make sure you wrap up warm!

9 Download Pokemon Go and try to use it on the local wildlife. That fox is just waiting to be caught in a tiny ball

10 Forget wrestling with the fox, that isn’t important anymore and you’re probably a bit scratched

11 Drink some tea from your Thermos (did I mention you should bring a Thermos?) and have a sit down

12 Go take a walk to the lake and feed some ducks. Not with bread though! Bread is bad for ducks. Have some frozen peas available

13 Lecture the old lady sitting on the bench about the dangers of feeding bread to ducks. Offer her the bag of peas – you won’t be needing it any more

14 Commit a crime – not like murder or anything, just downloading something illegally on your phone will do. It’ll balance stuff out for later

15 Solve a crime! Like a murder or something! Follow some police officers around until they let you help

16 They probably won’t let you help, but they might give you a nice warm cell to sleep in for the night, and what with the walking and crime solving and all you’re quite a way from home now

17 Tell all the other prisoners that you have cancer and it’s contagious. Make spooky noises at them throughout the night

18 Then befriend them with your Thermos of whisky (did I mention the whisky?)

19 Listen to their harrowing stories and then make up your own, that’s even more harrowing

20 Travel back home in a nice, warm police car, having made lots of friends

21 Take off your warm clothes

22 Have a bath

23 Put some essential oils in the bath

24 And some bubbles – go on, this is a luxury bath

25 You should probably light some candles as well – it’s been a long night.